| Author | Message | ||
| Vienna
Senior Member Username: vienna Post Number: 372 Registered: 11-1998 |
The Kiss summer drift of sunlight, and your mouth a glitter of breathless birds. Before, when a thin snow fell, I caught your heady colours; uncurled my hand in empty rooms sweet with music. Kingfisher, vermillion; breath blown dust of wheat-field and elderflower. Under the huge leap of the sky July burned and I became as malleable as gold. I stole tawny feathers and timbre to hoard behind my ribs; soft syllable, bright ring of slight accent. Summer drift of sunlight, and your mouth a glitter of breathless birds. 'All of us get lost in the darkness Dreamers learn to steer by the stars' Neil Peart My poetry books at Lulu http://people.lulu.com/users/index.php?fHomepage=101596 | ||
| Teresa White
Valued Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 248 Registered: 01-2005 |
Vienna, You have many lovely lines here --enjoyed them all, especially: breath blown dust of wheat-field and elderflower. and soft syllable, bright ring of slight accent. I have mixed feelings about your bookending the poem with the same two lines (very beautiful lines at that). If this were mine, I'd lose the first two and leave them only at the close for greater impact. Enjoyed, Teresa | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5839 Registered: 11-1998 |
In agreement with Teresa, my sister, on retaining those lines for the end. Here are some other little bits and bobs: "Before, when a thin snow fell, I caught your heady colours; uncurled my hand in empty rooms sweet with music. Kingfisher, vermillion; breath blown dust of wheat-field and elderflower. Under the huge leap of [the] sky(,) July burned and I became as malleable as gold. I stole tawny feathers(,) [and] timbre to hoard behind my ribs; soft syllable, bright ring of slight accent. Summer drift of sunlight, and your mouth a glitter of breathless birds. The breathless birds image was breathtaking. Not only for the idea of it, but also the sound. | ||
| Vienna
Senior Member Username: vienna Post Number: 373 Registered: 11-1998 |
Thanks for your comments Teresa and M. I wrote this at about 3.30am so Im not even sure myself if the last bit was supposed to also be the first bit  I am now thinking it needs an extra verse, I want to put this in my portfolio for uni so comments on that would be helpful. I also wonder if it needs a comma or some pause after mouth? thanks V The Kiss Before, when a thin snow fell, I caught your heady colours; uncurled my hand in empty rooms sweet with music. Kingfisher, vermillion; breath blown dust of wheat-field and elderflower. Under the huge leap of sky, July burned and I became as malleable as gold. I stole tawny feathers, timbre to hoard behind my ribs; soft syllable, bright ring of slight accent. Summer drift of sunlight, and your mouth a glitter of breathless birds. 'All of us get lost in the darkness Dreamers learn to steer by the stars' Neil Peart My poetry books at Lulu http://people.lulu.com/users/index.php?fHomepage=101596 | ||
| steve williams
Moderator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 244 Registered: 05-2005 |
Dear V so far very nice. some stuff you might try on for size. how about in s1, 'I caught my hand, uncurled your heady colours in empty rooms sweet with music... i'm thinking that catching your own hand shows how much surrender there is here. how little control over the narrator's own volition exists... along the same vein, consider compacting the first lines of s2; 'Under the burn of July, I became malleable gold, stole tawny feathers, hoarded timbre behind my ribs; soft syllable, bright ring of slight accent.' just me playing. hope this finds you as well as can be. summer will come back, it always does. with all my warmth steve | ||
| Michael MV
Senior Member Username: michaelv Post Number: 1049 Registered: 11-2003 |
breathless birds Why to me is that alone a poem(Poetry) in itself? Like a piece of sculpture. Brancusi. "Why not," I say. Michael (MV) | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3337 Registered: 07-2002 |
Vienna, This is a beautiful read--your command of language very strong. Theresa, M and Steve have given you good suggestions. I get to sashay in here and say how much I loved this. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1559 Registered: 11-2004 |
Vienna~ Ahhh... so lush and ethereal. Breathless birds, leap of sky, tawny feathers... perfectly lovely, delicious language. thank you. take care~dale |
